It was just one short week ago that someone very dear to me transitioned. Many around the world knew her for the global empowerment work she taught with her husband, but I knew her as one of my closest friends. We are both such private people, many people know us but not many actually know us. Because of our deep value for privacy, it took many years as business colleagues before we really let each other in, but once we did, a real sisterhood was formed.
We shared some of our deepest secrets and pain with each other, we called each other when we needed support or to talk, and we laughed sometimes until we cried or someone snorted. The thing I will miss the most about her was her ability to deliver a sassy one liner just when you needed it; to lighten the load and turn you towards the road of joy and fun again.
When I experience crisis, I turn inward. Being a very sensitive being I cannot handle the energies poured towards me, I lose my sense of self and my balance. I feel the deep need to go within and create a very big bubble around me. You see, empaths do not recharge with too much energy, we recharge with quiet contemplation and whatever form of expression our grief takes.
How we grieve is just as important as why we grieve.
I am so grateful that Barbara called me on my birthday on April 21. She had a hard time speaking but just like the strong and fierce lady she was, she was determined to call and she did. That was the last time I heard her precious voice, but it was not the last time she heard mine. On May 6, hours before her transition, I was able to be on speakerphone and tell her all the things I was and will forever be grateful for; her laughter, her friendship, her wisdom and advice and most of all her ability to find joy even in the smallest of places. I promised to do my best to carry that on within me and then I told her to hurry home. After that I fell down, hard.
For the past week (has it really only been one week? It feels more like four) I have gone deeply inside, needing to sleep a lot. Parts of my brain stopped working correctly, I could not properly use memory recall and my thoughts just didn’t complete. This is shock. After many nights of deep sleep (finally after one week of very little sleep) my body started to physically shake and process my grief. I took Bach flower essences and Perelandra ETS balance daily, multiple times, and I felt my body start to rewire new pathways that could accept this loss and begin to repair.
Most of you know that I am Irish in both parental lineages, and when someone close to me passes I need to “keen.” Keening can only be described as primal. It comes from a place so deep within you, that you rarely expose or express. Deep pain opens it and your body must process it through so as not to store or stuff down the emotional pain and trauma, that can later become dis-ease. For me, it came with sobbing that slowly morphed into what can only be described as a low moaning, that eventually becomes a rhythmic sound (keening) that puts sound to pain. It can be as long or as short as your body needs it to be. If you want to see a beautiful video on Irish keening click here.
After a Hypnotherapy colleague suggested a powerful process, I visualized my friend as a spirit and I felt and saw what I can only describe as “live wires” that were frayed and sparking– like cords of our connection were disconnected when she transitioned – and I was left with this energy that was unplugged and flailing. I visualized myself pulling them back in and reconnecting them to my own spirit self, now flowing down into and recharging my physical body. I immediately started to feel better after that. I was moving into acceptance. Once I reached this stage I was able to bring my self-hypnosis practice back after losing it for almost two weeks. It helped me to reframe my grief and place powerful thoughts into my subconscious mind about my path forward.
My brain is coming back online. My energy is rising. My body is feeling stronger each day and I am stepping into this “new” reality and out of my “other” reality. Never underestimate the relief and healing power of deep sleep during the grieving process.
I spent most of my days in the kitchen, cooking and baking. My kitchen is like therapy for me. Currently there are fresh kale chips, fudge brownies, oatmeal banana muffins, almond flour banana bread, chicken and veggie soup, roasted veggies, peanut butter cookies and more… Does anyone need a snack? 🙃
How do you grieve? Do you allow yourself the space to feel what your body needs to process and allow it? Do you give your brain time to rest and rewire?
Thank you to all who sent me texts, emails, and messages. I deeply appreciate your kindness and love. I am coming back to work now, slowly and steadily, as my body and my mind allow. I leave you with a blessing that has been profound for me through my healing.
A Blessing of the Earth
A blessing for connection with the land, for strong bodies and bones, for blood that flows bright red with energy, for grain to harvest and good food upon your table.
May you be blessed by the element of the earth. May your body possess vigor and vitality, and may you feel the natural world alive within your own skin and bones. May your home grow up out of the earth and be solid upon it, and may the land upon which it rests offer its energy of solidity, strength and endurance to you for many years to come. May the food upon your table overflow with nwyfre – the vital force of all things that truly have life force, and may you share this food with those who bring to you great joy in being alive in this form this lifetime. May your eyes shine and see, your legs walk straight upon the earth, and your feet go softly upon the path you tread.
May all the beauty and wildness and strength of Nature find expression through your life and your connection to the earth, and may the great mother of us all, the land, from whom you were born and to whose womb you will return, offer you nourishment and strength all the days of this life. May the ancestors within the earth send forth their wisdom to you, guide you, comfort you, and encircle you with soul family in times of trouble. When times are good, remember them, for they have been with you always. May bounty and prosperity be yours, an abundance, an overflowing of the gifts of the earth to you, the child of the earth, who is so loved. May you feel the love of the earth, may you feel its protection, its nourishment, its comfort and finally, when you rest again within her arms, may she rebirth you gently into the next lifetime, ready to enjoy her pleasures more deeply.